Choices

My anger was contained, my trust was safe and sound in the pile of bones but it broke free though my thick skin. For a second it felt safe to breath the fresh air and feel the cool water. Choice number one.. A bad one that I will not again make.. My secrets will remain hidden, safe, no more mistakes.. Don't ask for anymore tales or pretend to care so that you can exploit then maim. Choice number two. My secrets are no longer for you. This pain, distrust, and anger will dissipate soon or I feel we will all have to much more loss, things that neither want to loose.Choice number three. Can I continue to be? Will you stand next to me? To be continued..

Lies

This was to be something safe, no drama and no vulnerability but things don't always go as they should.. Jealousy makes people do very hateful things, tell lies and  hurt people because you are mad. The extent of a lie can never truly be known. The thing  that you're attempting to control can get out of control and most of the time the disease of that lie spreads to places you never imagined and hurts people in ways you could have never predicted..

Storm

I could feel the nausea as I slept, even before my body was aware of the harsh moments, flashing lighting and rolling thunder my stomach was churning. Body bouncing against the cushion of my bunk , rolling into my safety board. "All hands on deck", was cried and we were all up the ladder in foulie gear within seconds. It was no longer safe below, no this journey was meant to be faced in the uncomfortable darkness on deck. We would rest when the seas were calm and the sky no longer shed tears....

The Way

She's gonna find her way
Back up to heaven to stay
She's gonna find her way
Back up to heaven to stay

Into the castle she'll stray
Into the castle she'll stray
She'll beg the king to stay
Down on her knees she prays
But he just turns her away

How can I find my way
Back up to heaven to stay
How can I find my way
If you just turn away

She finally found her way
Back up to heaven to stay
She finally found her way
Her secret hide away
Up in heaven to stay

Shadows

Everything is very overwhelming, being stuck between a rock and a hard place is no fun. Trapped with pressure building up all around. It would seem that some people skate through life without a care and while true money can do this for some things, everyone has a shadow. Something that haunts us, stops us in our tracks. A memory perhaps, a reoccurring nightmare. For some it's being afraid of clowns or dogs, for others it can be far worse. Death of a family member, abuse but we all must overcome our shadows in order to reach greatness and greatness can come in many forms from  becoming a astronaut to getting your GED. My question for you is, do you have what it takes to overcome your shadow?

Missing something

Wishing I had someone that understood and excepted me, but then again everyone does I'm sure. I have just realized that none of my friends really do anything that I like. I'm always doing what they want to do, talk about what they want to talk about. Sometimes is good yes but not all of the time. I'm a big reader/writer but none of my new friends read/write, except one and well I'm not even sure if we are friends. I do have someone I would like to spend more time with but time is exactly what they don't have. Life is to short for these things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_goHl-GuNk

Strings

Longing for that note to play.
To rub my fingers along that smooth texture and feel your vibrations flow through my body.
That sound that sweet sound calls to me, longingly.

Side of a space program you don't see.

The Name Game

Well the name project Alpha seems to be and and Pacific Spaceflight is now in with our project name looking like Armstrong Line Expedition FL650. I like the potential abbreviated name A.L.E.  :). The past few weeks meeting have been fairly boring to me but I'm trying to keep up the bast I can. I'm super excited to start building the capsule and new spacesuits.
 

Going home for a few days

Old sailing projects

From Black and Red

I woke with a start for the room felt cold, misty in a way. The covers were pilled around me but I was freezing, The day had been a blur. The funeral, the sadness. It all sank in again. You were gone, you chose to be gone and I had to deal with it. "I'm sorry" ,was the next thing I heard,"I'm sorry". I pulled the covers back to see a figure at the foot of my bed but I was not afraid, I knew who it was. Even in the dark he seemed pale and sad not the man I remembered. He shirt was socked with blood. "I'm sorry", was all he said. I stared at him for what seemed like hours until he faded into the dark, then for the first time in five days I cried. Was it a dream? To this day I can't say and for me it never really mattered..

I'm not invisible, I'm standing right in front you. Something blinds, keeps you in a fog and you walk by continuing your search while I stand right in front of you screaming for your attention.
Invisible to all it seems, not just you.

Past returns

I few years ago, I felt like I had to defend everything I ever said or did. It did not matter that I was not the one lying or cheating, I was the one to blame because I showed emotions. I did not react the way I was supposed to. It coast me money, school, friends, sailing and almost my life. Today I was sucked back into that time over a mistake. Now I just feel empty. The fact that even after all I  have been through and people still think that I would cheat and lie...I feel like I'm lock up in that room with no way out..

Today I submitted two of my poems to Carve Literary Magazine. Nervous and excited at the same time.

Spacesuit project

One of the projects that I'm working on. This one was something I joined it is a pressurized spacesuit. I have mainly done suit design and suit testing. The designs you see in the photos are by Cameron M. Smith. I'm currently doing research and designing my own coolant and flight suit.

Black and Red

Walking down the hall was haunting, still, as if the building already knew. Of course it knew, I was the one who was late. As I reached the door I raised my hand to knock only to find that the door was opened just a crack. My thoughts are racing now, should I go in or call the cops? I went in, To this day I don't know why. To this day I wish I had stayed in the hall.

Choices

Over the next few weeks I have many choices to make. Finding that many of the things I have always wanted to do might now be a possibility has lead to now having to choose what to cut out and what to keep for right now.My plate is too full but choosing is harder then I thought it would be.

"The Fiddler Makers Son" By Amy Magruder

When I think of my father I think of many things. The smell of freshly cut wood and paint, the sound of water lopping against the side of a ships haul, or fish flopping on the deck trying for one last escape but the thought the most in my memory is the way he smiled when he played that old fiddle. As if every weight or sorrow was instantly lifted and all that existed was him and four strings.
The sound of that fiddle would emanate through the room, the smell of burning peet somehow mixed well with the flowing music as if they where dancing, these where my earliest and fondest memories. Even with my Mum being gone I was never sad for I had my father, brother and those four strings.

It seems as if my brain has been on pause for the past few years and now with just a wee bit of encouragement it's back on and running. Since last Sunday I write for hours, read for hours, and even do math. A fine thing it is having my brain on again but can someone please tell me how to turn it off every now and then. I can't afford anymore movies and I need more sleep. Walking through the Harbor helps but in this city you don't want to stay out to long after dark..

Black and Red

Death has been no stranger, it has haunted me for so long. There was a time I longed for it to take me, even begged but life had a stronger grip. A grip that seems to not wish to let go. Those who I have known have not been so lucky and many have gone. Their deaths haunt me, make me question, do we have the right to make a choice that makes others suffer so we can find what we believe to be peace?

THE MAN IN WHITE

There is a man in white who walks these streets.
Have you seen?
His shroud shines clean in his bare feet.
Stare strait ahead, his eyes never stray
His stride never falters
So get out of his way.
His eyes never stray
Except for today.
I was walking along when I saw him
Bowed my head as to pray.
Something lifted my eyes and his eyes met mine
I walked away
I turned my head he stood there the same
As if waiting for me to explain
I felt clam, could he see my pain?
Still I walked away
There is a man in white who walks these streets

The Fiddle Makers Son

 In his dream he saw his father floating in the vastness of the blueish black water as if he were a log. His limp body move along with the waves as they pushed him further out into the unknown. Suddenly a light appeared directly above making the white caps shine like diamonds. The sounds of men talking in a foreign language followed by a splash...
Phone rings..
Bram woke with a start from his dream, he could here his uncle in the other room talking to someone on the phone.

Expedition training

So this past week I started doing capsize training on top of my work schedule and the other project I work on. Capsize training is when you take your kayak and flip it, then try to flip it back. It is terrifying the first few times you do it.You are underwater and trapped there unless you can flip your kayak back.  For me I would forget the trainer was there but the best thing is to stay clam... I'm getting quite the hang of it now

My confidence was coming back, I was gaining a sense of self then I met you. Granted that it did not last as long but it was anoff to send me back to bad dreams and thought. Fear follows me as it did before and I wonder if life outside my walls is possible. I told myself I would never be afraid that way again. That I would live life the way I wanted but here I am again fearful....

Dancing with the wind

It’s howling now, it’s time to begin.

Dancing with the wind.

The leaves they wave to the beat.

Your feet hit the ground.

Tap

Tap

Tap

All around

Dancing with the wind

Hands flare up your colors show proud

Dancing with the wind

Your body rises up, rises back down

Around

Around 

Around

Dancing with the wind

The beat stops, you stand still

The crowed is silent, waiting at will

Dancing with the wind

Washoe 2011

Fresh air

 After almost three and a half years of sailing and a nearly life ending relationship I have settled on the other side of the country to try to learn the way most people do, at collage. Though I miss sailing I don't miss all of it... This new adventures definitely has it's challenges but it offers more opportunity to write which is something I love but have never really had the chance to do. So I thought that starting a blog would be a good idea. I will post stories, poems, and other projects as they come up....