The Captain

The pain you cause 

the things you take

plans canceled

no remorse

time lost 

no remorse

the love I have

nothing returned

the anger I feel

not expressed

once my rock

now my Devil

the pain you cause

the pain you cause 

TedX Portland

Back in May I experienced a mind altering event from the inside out. Most people might be familiar with TedX or Ted talks but how many people get to be up on that stage? I can now say that I have. I was a part of the presentation with the group Pacific Spaceflight. Our project leader, Dr.Cameron Smith was the main presenter, the guy who had to do all the talking. I however had to walk onstage in a spacesuit, that's right I said spacesuit. You see Pacific Spaceflight is a project focused on suborbital flight and the technology necessary to perform such flights, a key piece of this is a pressured garment or spacesuit. This is where I come in, I work alongside Dr Smith in suit design and manufacturing and on May 30th 2015, on that brightly lit TedX stage, Pacific Spaceflight was unveiling its newest suit Zaphod I, with me inside.The road up to TedX was a blur, we had known sense August of 2014, maybe even before, that we wanted to make a lighter suit. Our original suit, the Mark I had been through many modifications, test and was creeping up on 5 years of wear and tear so a new suit was a must. We knew we wanted it to be as light weight as possible and so the designing began. We started in mid-January of 2015. I was excited, this was my first time actually helping to design and make a suit sense I only joined the group in 2013. My only experience with suit design and manufacture up to this point had been with the coolant garments, repairs and the convoluted joints, Dr. Smith had designed and built the Mark I before I had even joined the group.

We started with the gas-tight bladder, using a non gas-tight material as a pattern. Once the pattern was complete and all the measurements checked and double checked we began to cut our bladder material, stitched it and tested it for leaks.

Next came the new gloves and coolant garment. I personally found learning how to make the gloves quite challenging but they are a very important part of the suit and I'm glade to hold that knowledge now.

Dr. Smith then started working on the helmet while I measured the pressure restraint garment, (PRG), of the Mark IV suit. Once Dr. Smith checked the measurements we started making the PRG for the Zaphod

With the suit complete, it was then tested and tested and tested. Now it was time to show the world.The day of TedX was amazing, you would be surprised to see how much time goes into a 15 min presentation but there I was suited up and waiting by the side of the stage. The audience was huge, lucky for me, I could not hear anything inside the suit and it really helped with nerves. To the left of me was the original suit the MarkIV, inhabited by one of Pacific Spaceflight techs Ben Wilson. He was called on stage first and then it was me. Walking out on stage was weird, again I could not hear, but I could not stop smiling. I kept thinking, I did this, my life is being supported by a spacesuit that I helped make and that just made me smile. I waved to the audience and within a min or two our time was up and we walked of stage.

Worthy

Love grown into pain, no longer the smile ,the wink ,laughing ever so slightly. These no longer conquer the thirst.
No!
To be able to touch all the time but not really touch is painful thing on it's own.
Able to share stories and secrets like lovers do but not allowed to be a lover.
Like needles to the heart it is.
For this one is crazy , not worthy of love.
False.
Love is not worthy of her.
It's stares  blindly at her every day but fails to see the beauty right in front of  it.
Can't see past the flaw ,the emotion.
Ha!
Love is not worthy of her
For the one that cares for all is usually the loneliest
Touch you all the time but not really touch at all
Love every day but not allowed to be a lover
For She is not worthy of love
And love is not worthy of her

Music and Me

Today I went over to a music store for the first time in a really long time,it was quite a trek out there but it was worth it when I got there. I checked out some electric drum sets and tried out a couple of Martin acoustic guitars. I also started listening to a lot of my music that I haven't even pulled out in about two years. I didn't really realize how much I missed having music in my life even fooling around with my guitar when I got home for about 30 minutes made me feel so much happier. I think I should make it a habit that I set-aside 10 or 20 minutes to just kind of full around with some of my instruments. Music touches my heart and soul I should've never let it go I won't make that mistake again

Bottle

Seaming palms
Scuba trip
Bibliography
Article
Floors
Talks
Always next time.
Confusion
Mixed thoughts and signals, lack of expression, denial..
Denied again
Don't show your anger
Don't cry in public
Don't let anyone know you pain
I am a bottle, put a cork in me and watch me float away.

Hope, fear...

There is a hope that comes from love. When you find it you fight for it. Hope even comes from fear, you face the things that you're afraid of and concur those fears it gives you hope to concur other fears that you face.

I have been absent for some time for good reason but hope and fear have met in the middle and now I begain to repair.

Thoughts

We start asking what is the next stage in human evolution? The answer to me is simple, continue to explore. Some would say we have reached our limit, reached the far ends of the globe what else is there. I say look above to the skies or below to the seas. Both are worlds not yet truly explored and both hold vast knowledge and secrets have yet to be found.